


The Things We Do to Survive

by inevitablyinquisitive



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M, Self-Harm, TW self-harm, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-10
Updated: 2016-07-10
Packaged: 2018-07-22 19:32:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7451362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inevitablyinquisitive/pseuds/inevitablyinquisitive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>set after 1x13<br/>trigger warning for self-harm</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Things We Do to Survive

**Author's Note:**

> again, massive trigger warning for self-harm - read at your own risk.  
> not graphic but dialogue may be triggering for some.

“Jem? You in there?” Fitz rapped on her bunk door cautiously, knowing that she had requested some alone time after Skye had been shot.

“What?” a husky voice replied from the other side of the door.

“Nothing, it’s just that Coulson asked me to ask you, um, if you’d like some dinner?” He realised that on the other side of that door his best friend in the world had been crying her eyes out by the sound of things for well over an hour. “Are you okay Jemma? Can I do anything?”

“No thanks, and yes I’m fine Fitz,” she said firmly. “Shit!”

Fitz heard a clatter and her curse and knocked on the door again in concern. “Are you sure? Let me in Jemma, I just need to see you’re okay -”

“Go away Fitz!” she snapped. “Sorry. But please, fuck, just please leave me be.”

“I’m not leaving you without seeing what's going on in there. Or I’ll go get Coulson to open this door, I swear to all that is holy.” he replied, his concern granting him a new-found confidence.

The door clicked open and swung outward, revealing a red-eyed Jemma standing in the doorway. “See Fitz? I’m fine -” she was cut off as he wrapped her in a bear hug, eliciting fresh tears from the biochemist.

“Shh, it’s okay, it wasn’t your fault, don’t worry - wait Jemma, why is there blood on your sleeve?”

She pulled back, snatching her arm away and hugging it to her chest. “Skye…”

“You got it all and changed your clothes, I saw you afterwards. And it’s spreading, wait, are you bleeding?” He grabbed her hand and saw her wince, then quickly pushed up her sleeve before she could pull away again. “Oh my god, Jemma!” 

Jemma squeezed her eyes shut in an attempt not to see the horror on Fitz’s face at her arm, lined with scars and cuts oozing blood. “It’s nothing.” she replied, trying to wrench herself free of his firm grasp. “Let go, please Fitz. You shouldn’t have had to see this.”

“No, Jemma, please let me help,” he grabbed a swab with the intention of cleaning her wounds. “Come on, sit down,”

Jemma sat down reluctantly, barely wincing as he applied a saline wipe to her cuts, gently pressing down to stop the bleeding. Dumbstruck, tears squeezed their way out from her closed eyes as she sobbed silently. “I’m sorry Fitz, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” she murmured.

“Don’t be silly Jem, you need to stop punishing yourself for things that aren’t your fault. How long has this been going on?” he applied steri-strips and dressed her arms as she has so often done to him - now he understood her way of being able to treat a wound almost painlessly. When he was finished, he gently rolled her sleeve back down and gazed up at her, imploring her to reply to him, to let him in. “Skye wasn’t your fault, you know that,” he whispered in her ear.

“I- I-,” she began between hiccups. “Five months and six weeks.”

“Oh Jemma.”

“I- I just felt so bad for not being able to do anything!” she burst out. “And- and it was all my fault and I could have done more and now if she dies it’s all my fault and I just feel so useless all the time.” she finished in a breath.

In response, Fitz simply wrapped his arms around her, carefully avoiding her freshly dressed cuts, and squeezing her tight to his chest. “Please, please stop doing this to yourself Jem.” he murmured into her hair. “I don’t care how much it takes, just stop hurting yourself.”

“But I deserve it. I do,” she continued before he could interrupt. “I need to for the guilt, it’s all I am now I can’t even stop, all I am is a pathetic girl who can’t even cut properly. This is who I am.”

“Jemma, Jemma.” he couldn’t stand hearing the most important person in his life berate herself so harshly. “The things we do to survive, they don’t define us. You are a person, a pretty great person, a smart person, a caring and beautiful person, dammit. And, and I can’t let you hate yourself for something out of your control -” he confessed passionately. “You’re so much more than that, to me, to this team.”

“Please stop,” she sobbed.

“Stop what?”

“Just stop being so perfect and caring and, and I don’t deserve this. Why don’t you hate me?”

“I couldn’t hate you ever, Jemma Simmons. You’re my partner, my best friend, damn it you’re more than that and I wish I had had the courage to say it sooner.”

“You’re more than that to me too, Leo Fitz. I’m sorry. Thank you, for everything, really. I- I- I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this based on my personal experience with self-harm, so please don't take any of this personally or as fact, it's just how things feel for me.  
> response to "the things we've done to survive, they don't define us" prompt from [this list](http://halcyonwrites.tumblr.com/post/142905587804/the-100-sentence-starters)  
> [my tumblr](inevitably-inquisitive.tumblr.com)


End file.
